nineteen years and twelve months

i never understood the big deal everyone used to make about turning 20,
but i gues nw i understand.

anyway,

i never really liked birthdays,

cos i never really understood it,

and the idea of celebrating yourself,

never got to me.

however,

it's a very nice reminder,

that there are ppl in this world,

who do remember and care,

even when u feel all alone.

so, this is my way of saying thank you.

thank you to all of you,

who remembered my birthday,

for the calls, sms-es and msgs,
thank you for taking time off your day,

to celebrate with me,
and thank you for all the effort,

you've all put into those thoughtful gifts.

thank you for the wonderful dinner at movida,

and the random convos at kino.

also, for the book and the ring.

thank you for dinner at sawasdee,

and cake at port melb beach.

thank you jack and san for the lovely gifts,

was very sweet of you guys.

thank you audrey,

for putting in so much thought and time,

into making the scrapbook for me.

thank you shree and sonika, for coffee, and these lovely gifts.




and thank you khee wei, for this embarassing yet awesome video, for the song, oh, and movies toO!

and speaking of movies, thank you colleen, for new moon. =D

thank you all... !

with everything that's happened this past couple of weeks,
never have i felt this helpless before.
never have i cried this much,
never have i found it this hard to force a smile.

and i dont know who to turn to,
and what to do.

chameleon

if i were to build a tree house up that tall tree by the lake,
and hide out there.

if i were to dive down to the bottom of the sea,
duck behind the corals and camouflage.

if i were to be invisible and unseen,
like a chameleon that changes its color with the background.

what would it be like,
if i were?

just random thoughts i got ,
while i was walkin arnd the gardens today,
dont really wish to be invisible,
but cant help but wonder how diff life wud be.
good? bad? i dont kno.

are you truly happy?

picture puzzle piece

its 4.30am, and i cant sleep.
i didnt wana start watchin anymore tv series,
so i was just reading some poems.

i love poems,
the wordplay,
the symbolism and hidden meanings,
they're so beautiful.

Picture Puzzle Piece by Shel Silverstein

One picture puzzle piece
Lyin' on the sidewalk,
One picture puzzle piece
Soakin' in the rain.
It might be a button of blue
On the coat of the woman
Who lived in a shoe.
It might be a magical bean,
Or a fold in the redVelvet robe of a queen.
It might be the one little biteOf the apple her stepmother
Gave to Snow White.
It might be the veil of a bride
Or a bottle with some evil genie inside.
It might be a small tuft of hair
On the big bouncy belly
Of Bobo the Bear.
It might be a bit of the cloak
Of the Witch of the West
As she melted to smoke.
It might be a shadowy trace
Of a tear that runs down an angel's face.
Nothing has more possibilities
Than one old wet picture puzzle piece.

how i wish, i can one day,
write just as well.

thank you

anyone who knows me well enough,

knows how much i hate ppl who are not on time.

and the only other thing i hate more than that,

is being late myself.

so u can only imagine how annoyed i was,

when u said you were 10 mins away, 3 hours ago.

making me half an hr late

but the day started to pick up when i had lunch w the few others,
it was nice catching up,and have a few giggles.

to look back, and see how far we've come since,

i really would miss each and everyone of u.

and to you,

ive got to say thank you.

cos uve made my day.

from ur panna cotta that redefines panna cotta

and sent me straight to heaven,

to ur lil gift that makes me laugh to myself,

everytime i read it.

i really do hope that you'll get the epiphany,
or enlightenment, or wtv it is, it's called.
but im sure u will, when u least expect it.

just like, how one day, ill actually start cooking proper food,

and not burn them. =p

for now,

no senseless rhymes, no stupid jokes,

but just these two words,

from me to you.

thank you.

=D

and btw, this is what happens,
when im just too lazy to go out,

n we're just a lil bit too moh lieu.

at 3

for the first time,

ever since i can rmb,

i woke up at 3pm today.

i gues,

its all starting to catch up w me.

even after exams havent been gettin much sleep.

from all the errands,

doctor's appointments,

police checks, packing,

to administration stuffs, etc etc.

and of cos, catchin up w frens.

(and being addicted to prison break, doesnt really help either =p)

Only half of the notes from the past 3 yrs.

i watched kurbaan the other day,

an indian movie which was 3 hrs long.

to my surprise, it wasnt the typical bollywood movie

but more of a serious controversial one,

with a 10 min intermission.
(which i was very amused by)

then headed down to edithvale beach,

gettin dragged into the sea a couple of hours,

after gettin 4 injections in 5 mins, was just painfuL!
but it was heaps of fun, anyhus

they then decided to hv a feast by the beach,

which was jst hilarious.

our tummies definitely got a good work out from all the laughing

also metup w the srikl peeps for lunch at sawasdee,
and threw frisbee arnd at the gaol,

i then met up w colleen,

to head for kim's party.

we arrived pretty late,

but left early to go to the club.

i was dead beat by then.

and and i finally did my first aid training ytd,

was expecting it to b boring,

but it was actually very interesting,
learnt CPR and DRAPCD, among other things.

the lady who gave the class,

was a nurse, who had been through a fair bit,

and listening to the stories shes had to tell,

was really very thrilling.

however, everytime i step out nw,
i get this image in my head that sumone mite just collapse right in front of me.

maureen, a girl who was in the same session as i was,

asked, do u think u wud help out a person in need now that ure qualified?

it really got me thinking.

sayin u would, doesnt mean u actually would.

wud i be confident enuf? or wud i panic?

i really hope i wouldnt freeze.

more importantly,

i hope no one would have to need help.

well, it sure has been one hell of a week,

but as of now,
i feel like a newborn baby,

after having a very lazy sunday.

=D

of letting go

you were just a distant memory,

a fictional character in the story of my life,
an accessory to my past.

but you became real again,

when you sat across from me,

it's all real

and you will always be a part of me.

that's because,

you've changed who i am.

i dont believe in things that i used to,
ive become cynical, and independent,

and im not as naive as i used to be,

i've changed.

sometimes, i dont know whether to thank you,

or to blame you.

but now, we've said our goodbyes for good.

and all i can do is wish you well,

and leave it all behind,

and let go.

so,

as katie herzig sorts of sings it,

I want to wish you well,

I didnt watch you go,

cause i suppose i dont know how

I will remember you,

Not the way you left,

but what you knew.

Ill find my way cause you showed me how.

I want to wish you well.

you gave me this card, i stumbled across it in a box under my bed, after the longest time.

and speaking of letting go,

ive finally started sorting my clothes out,

and found myself constantly taking back clothes,

from the "giveaway/throw" pile back to the "keep" pile.

what was left of the giveaway/throw pile.

i dnt wear most of them anymore.

but,

im having trouble letting go.

dreams, grey and railway engines.

i had to say goodbye today
to one of my oldest frens in melb.

it was the first of many to come.

despite it all,
all the dramas, stories, and awkward bumps,
i think i will miss him.
i didnt think i will,
cos we ve grown apart over time,
but i was shocked myself,
when we said goodbye,
n i found myself saying,
ive gotta go, im late in meeting another fren,
simply bcos i was starting to well up
and needed an excuse to rush off.

ive always known that it was all abt to be very diff,
but it dint really hit me till friday,
when it all seemed more real,
now that im heading to canberra,
n not either canberra, sydney, or adelaide.

anyway,
ytd evening,
i decided to take a train down,
to meet a fren's newborn sister.
she s the cutest thing!
i hung arnd for awhile,
for some rnb, movie, dj heroes n uno,
it was heaps of fun.

but suddenly, the wave of emotions struck me,
when i got a call frm him hu was leaving tonite,
that life as i knew it was abt to come to an end.

i cant be alone for an evening without getting depressed.
how am i going to survive the first week or month,
or however long it takes for me to adapt.

maybe im being overly melodramatic.
ive been told that i tend to get overly emotional when things change.
and also that i am a drama queen.
well, i hope so.
maybe it ll be better than i can ever imagine it to be.

gahhhhh.
sorry im rambling again,
im bored.

splashes of paint

was sortin some of my stuffs,

and i came across some things that ive totally forgotten about.

i found my old book in which i used to paint,


when i had a lot of things on my mind.

dont think it ll be very practical for me to lug it home,


along with a gazillion other things ive got.


but i feel kinda sad abt throwing them away too.

these are a couple i painted tonight,

cos i got a lil bored of the packing and sorting.

so ive decided to take sum photos of it,

so that ill still sorta hav it.

and post them up here.

its no picasso,

nowhere near it,

just random splashes of paint,

that never fails to take my mind off things.

and so, here they are.

of nothingness.

its only been a couple of days,
and im losing my mind!

yea, its fun catchin up w frens,
hitting a couple of ping pong balls,
but, sth's missing.
maybe the sense of purpose.

so i decided to start packing.

but for some reason,
i jst had to choose the hottest day of the week to do it.
u can only imagine
how cranky i was.

but it has nevertheless,
been the most productive day of the 3,
omg, it feels much much longer than that!
but there's still more to do.

im regretting all those shopping trips,
cos it sure is biting me back.
4 yrs is too long a time.

n i really really hope sydney replies soon,
cos there s so much to do,
but i can only do them once everyth s confirmed,
but it looks like, i might nt even go to usyd,
even if i was offered a place.
complicated.
sucks.
but that s reality.

and i should be grateful,
that i got accepted in any uni at all.
n dat my family has been really supportive in every way possible.
regardless.

annie says

you gotta hang until tomorrow,

cos you're only a day away.

look ahead.

so i was watchin the news,
and apparently they ve discovered water on the moon.

i was just wondering,
what are they trying to get at?
what if life can occur there?
they ll find more microorganisms,
for students like us to study?

and what if life can exist on the moon?
will planets be the new country?
will they build apartments,
shopping malls and highways?
will we be taking a flight to mars instead of across the ocean?

it's pretty scary if u think about it,
but hey,
i wont b surprised if it really does happen.

turn it up

so what do u do,
when ure tired, stressed out,
but cant sleep nor do anyth else that matters.

well,
turn the music up, sing out loud, and dance ur hearts out.
it's liberating and refreshing,
n that i did,
was probably the most exercise ive gotten since swotvac!

but when u hear a knock on the door,
open up n say "oops, sorry."
and then ask,
"do u hv exams too? r u stressed?
care for a little stress relief?"
n get them to join u.

boy,
it was double the fun!
to just not care,
to sing n jump,
with a couple whom i dnt kno,
except for the occassional bumps in the lifts,
or as i open the door.
to not care of what a fool im makin out of myself.
or what fools they were makin fool out of themselves.

from single ladies,
to follow me,
right down to bear necessities.
we danced our troubles away.

ps: kw, ive got a new way to meet the neighbors,
maybe that s what 203 was tryin to do,
except that he forgets to open the door. =p =p

pps: try it, u know u want to.

meeps.

really hopes that it's simply because this tired mind has been overworked,
n not becos everyth went in just to go right out again.

i dnt think ive ever felt this nervous for an exam in a very long time
prob since gamsat.
but well, that was gamsat.

i hope it all comes back to me.
pretty pretty please,
the first one was bad enough.

thank u wonka, for red skins.

blissfully blessed

it's at times like these,
i am reminded of how lucky i am,
how blessed i am with the little things that makes life,
life.

so,
thank u is all i can say.

thank you to all.

knock knock

the truth is at the door,
can someone get it please?

the truth scares me.

how i wish i could just jump on the next plane home.

oh wellsss.

so,
tell me,
what's your story?

let's play.

there's this game,
which ive been playing for a very long time,
and im sure everyone has had a go at it too.
it's this little game we call friendship.

ive played this game my whole life,
and yet ive yet to figure out how it works,
what the rules are,
or even what it is!

is it to be a fren when ure needed the most,
when d road's a little bumpy,
or is it to be a fren when its all laughter and joy,
when the sky is blue and the grass is green.
or is it a little bit of both?

are we meant to tolerate the flaws?
and love them for who they are,
or are we meant to be close enough to be able to tell them of their flaws?

can we only remain frens if we see each other often enough?
or can we only remain frens if we see each other only once a year,
to not get annoyed by little things,
that eventually drive us apart.

im happy when ure happy,
and im sad when ure sad.
this statement, is such a cliche,
and cliches are cliches for a reason.
but is it really true?

if frens shud feel dat way,
wat about those hu cant help but feel miserable at the sight of ur success.
or find joy in ur misery?
are they not frens?

do u run over to be by their side,
when they re down,
or do u give them sum space,
n let them cool off,
before talkin abt it?

were the words "friends forever" meant to be an oxymoron,
like "hot ice",
filled with sarcasm,
or have i just been playing it all wrong from the start?

or is it for reasons like this?
that i compare friendship to a game,
that i just cant seem to find a clue.
n in this game, it's not fun to lose.

is it meant to be this complicated?
or are we making it harder than it's meant to be?
maybe it's all about the unspoken truth.
that its only human nature,
for us to feel the way we feel,
altho we re not supposed to.

so sumone pls hand me the manual,
or give me a hint.
there really shud b a frequently asked questions section,
or a set of rules when u google friendship,
but sadly,
there aint one.

so what do i do?
cos im just a lil confused.
and please pardon me,
if i get it wrong,
cos im still trying to figure it out.

i really wud like to believe that friends forever,
do mean exactly as it sounds.

can i hold on to all things familiar for just a lil bit longer?
please.

keep feeding it, til it cant hold in any longer

cause it's easier to breakdown n cry,
n that s wat id lov to do right now,
to just let it all out,
but i cant.
cos i cant afford to.

i cant cry even if i wanted to.
for one of 2 reasons:
im too tired to even shed a tear,
i shudnt wallow in self pity, n get right to it,
cos the clock is ticking.

so what is a gal to do,
at a time like this,
press it down,
and feed it more information,
hide it behind more duties,
cover it with more responsibilities,
to everyone and everything else,
except herself,
and of course, mask it with a smile.
and only when time permits,
let it out.

unhealthy as it seems,
it works, so..
as for now,
ive just gotta suck it up,
hold it in.
n breathe.

quicksand

why i do the things i do?
i dont understand.

maybe it's sth to do w d fact that i can't be by myself...
be it on the streets,
in a cafe,
or anywhere at all.

but why do i stil do it?
even when i kno how it's goin to end?

is it cos there s still that lil bit glimmer of hope?
is it cos that mayb this time arnd it wud b diff?

i dont know.
but i would really like to,
so that i don't repeat my mistakes.
maybe it'll be better if i understand better.

but as of now,
i dont,
n i find myself in the same mess time and time again.

it's like standing on quicksand.
when u know u shudn't move arnd as much,
but u still do anyway.
knowing that it's wrong, but not addressing it.

back to the real world.

sometimes ppl do things u jst dont understand,
why they did n would do such a thing,
n put the blame on others,
or pretend it wasnt mentioned.

that alone is pissifying enough.

so what happens,
when 3 similar situations occur within the span of 2 hours,
after comin bk from the best weekend i've had in a very long time.

i feel like screaming,
i feel like slapping each n everyone.
i kno its syawal,
n im supposed to be patient n forgiving,
but seriously, WTF?
dont u ppl hav any freakin brains!
WTF! is all i can say.

mayb it's d lack of sleep,
mayb it's d tired mind is just angsty.
i dnt kno.

i want to sleep all day long,
n not give a damn.

but,
sadly....

i can only pray n hope for u

i feel sorry,
that you have changed.

i feel sorry,
that i am now terrified of u,
like i am scared of the ppl on the streets on a friday nite,
when i used to want to be by ur side,
in my every waking moment.

i feel sorry,
that we dont talk or see each other any more,
but during those rare, random times we do,
u're not the person whom i used to know.

i feel sorry,
that you're not the sweet, loving n caring person u used to be,
but the rowdy, rude n loud ones that i hear from my room,
every fri n sat nites.

i really hope im wrong,
i really hope that im making an unfair and snap judgement,
when i dont have a right to anymore,
especially since i dont know u now.

i really hope im wrong
n nw,
i can only pray n hope for u,
that u truly are happy.

longest week.

phenotype exam,
amigos,
housewarming,
patho exam,
adelaide,
offer
birthday surprises,
snaps,
melb tourists,
up,
freddo,
ten ren,
camberwell market,
ikea richmond,
harbortown,
press club.

it's been one hell of a week,
feels like a month!

altho ive oni gotten abt only a couple of hrs of sleep every nite for d past one week,
it has been the best week of my life!

it has all finally paid off,
needless to say,
n it was all worth it.

the world is finally round again

imagine holding your breath,
for 4 years,
n d relief and joy of being finally able to breathe again.
is simply overwhelming.

the world is finally round again,
n i can finally truly smile,
simply because,
i am very truly happy.

i hv to admit, the trip to adelaide was pretty daunting.
first, because i was going interstate,
alone, n i dnt kno anyone there,
n anyth abt that place.
n 2ndly of cos, the interview.

the nite i reached, i checked into my room,
n went out for a walk on jetty road,
which is equivalent to melb's swanston road,
but leads to the beach.
all the shops were closed,
but it was nice to just take a stroll.
n walk along the beach.

the next morning,
i woke up n got to flinders uni.
it started off w a nt so brief briefing,
followed by the interview.

had to make a 4 minute presentation,
but with all the questions i was bombarded with,
it led to 30 minutes instead.
this was followed by a series of questions,
some personal, like y do u wana bcum a doctor,
n what s the one thing u regret most in ur life,
etc etc .
and some were situations, which were pretty tricky,
but i guess mostly required commonsense.

2 hrs later, it finally ended.
i walked out of the room feeling pretty good,
n made my way to d beach again,
before i had to catch a flight bk to melb.

it was when i reached the airport that it hit me,
(where i had 2 hrs to spare, doin nth, cos of the delay)
i totally screwed it up.
the more i thought abt my answers,
the more ridiculous it sounded.
hence, was beating myself up, the whole trip bk n the next day.

ironically, its a habit of mine, to check my mails every morning,
but sumhow, dat morn i dint.
i was out from 11 am til 3 am (talk abt taking abreak!)
n only when i came home that morning,
did i receive the letter, that was apparently been sent at 9am.

i couldnt bliv it,
i read it twice,
before i started screaming at the top of my lungs,
jumping as high as i possibly cud,
n ran over to my neighbors,
frantically banging on his door n screaming,
i got itttttttt! i did it!!!!
i dint kno wat to do,
i cudnt stop jumping arnd n screaming.

ive nvr felt that way b4,
it was strange,
but i cant complain.
it was the hugest n longest sigh of relief.

altho flinders isnt my first choice,
its good to kno that,
in the worst case scenario, ill still be doin medicine.
so i gues, dreams do come true after all,
just a lil later for sum.

sydney n canberra in a few weeks,
n ive yet to buy tix n book accomo,
it s such a pain,
but i shud do it soon!

Happineessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!
i cant stop smiling,
ppl must be thinkin im a freak,
but i cant help it!

breaking news.

too many big news in just a week.

woke up to a msg frm a close fren, really early in the morning,
sayin her good fren had committed suicide.
she was devastated,
to think that the once, oh-so bubbly girl,
had chosen to end her life.
and no one had a clue.
i can only imagine.

came home, after a very long day of class, and max b w the miss,
just before dinner with the mr.
opened my email,
to find a couple of interview invitations.
adelaide in a couple of weeks
n canberra in sept.
calls for many, many paperwork,
n me going broke, after purchasing al the flight tix!
(which ive yet to do)

anyone by the name, elena, just dont seem to like me very much.
or nt at all.

with the loved ones,
listening to the same stories,
from different point of views.
with all the variations,
each w a lil twist of its own.
it gets a lil complicated.

i cant help but worry.
i worry over the littlest things.
sometimes it's ridiculuous.
but i gues,
it's just in the genes.

apart frm worrying abt stuff like whether or not ive locked d door,
or i might have forgotten to reply an email,
i mostly worry abt my future,
my frens,
my loved ones.

i gues it s cause i want the best for everyone in everything
cliche as it may sound,
i feel sad, when others are sad.
i cant help it.

but i gues, no one can ever hav the best of everyth.
cos then, there s just nth to fight for.
n i understand that.
but when u see ur loved ones hurting.
there s nth more ud wana wish for than the best for them..
altho u know, they can get thru it,
altho u know, they ll get there eventually,
all u can think of, wish for, pray for,
is the best for them.
so that they can smile truthfully,
n be happy.

if i could be granted any 3 wishes,
1. id wish for my family's happiness.
2. id wish for my fren's happiness.
3. id wish for my own happiness.

im rambling,
n talkin in circles,
cos im stressed out,
i dont know where to start.
d pile of work is just enormous.
it's not funny.
many things still yet to be done.
i just need a few minutes to clear my head.
n i like to write here,
n make no sense.
constructing sentences, that are not sentences,
many unrelated thoughts all spit out as it comes to my mind,
in no order whatsoever.
it's like talkin to myself, without being called crazy.
it's nice.

anyway,
this is all simply because,
i dreamed a little dream.

have a wonderful day in our one-way world

people dont understand people.

i can certainly vouch for that.

one.

from an article:

One song can spark a moment
One flower can wake the dream
One tree can start a forest
One bird can herald spring
One smile begins a friendship
One handclasp lifts a soul
One star can guide a ship at sea
One word can frame the
One vote can change a nation
One sunbeam lights a room
One candle wipes out darkness
One laugh will conquer gloom
One step must start each journey
One word must start a prayer
One hope will raise our spirits
One touch can show you care
One voice can speak with wisdom
One heart can know what is true
One person can make a difference in the world.

what difference have i made?
nada.

boo..

so,
since ive been told this site s gettin a lil too serious.
here s my "oh-so-interesting" week in short

monday.
classes, then the first, crazy, boring, long useless prac for phenotype.
to brighten things up,
the girl n i decided to go for dinner at oriental spoon.
n gues we were js there, talkin for hours.
abt absolutely everyth.
was nice, just like how it used to be.
supposed to buy tix for sydney,
but dint get arnd to it.

tuesday.
was in bundoora.
started of wif sum seminar,
did sum chemistry work, met more new ppl
including one post doc, hu was extremely helpful,
george, especially when he realised hw bad i was at all those stuf.
left a lil later than usual.
was pouring rain,
walked a km frm the lab to the bus stop,
missed the bus,
was soaking wet, off all the days, dint wear a hood,
nor brought an umbrella.
waited for the bus for anotha 45 mins,
got on the bus, got off the wrong stop,
had to walk to d nearest train station,
finally reached home.
wet, cold, grumpy.

wednesday.
had anotha prac.
was quick, easy n fun in fact.
wiki's definitely a gal's best fren at times like that.
off to lindt cafe with the other girl,
a little catching up,
n lots of filling her in on details of the crazy friday night out,
that she could barely rmb.
later that nite,
went out for a drive, in the guy's new car,
took me to a place with the so-called "best hot choc"
gotta admit,
for a pretty dodgy lookin place,
it was pretty damn good.
did more catching up.
got to kno d guy a lot better.
was nice n familiar.
a very good way to end the nite

thursday.
was too exhausted from all that s been goin on.
caught up w school work.
fell asleep,
missed volunteer work session,
missed dance class.
woops.
pretty uneventful day,
but very much needed one.

and friday,
woke up to a msg frm the sis,
got a txt frm d girl, saying she cant come to syd,
had only one class.
went to d lib b4 to do sum catching up,
got a call frm the uncle when i was in the lib,
got scolded frm the anal librarian for talkin on the phone at the stairs area (wth)
oh well...
hung around the lounge at med building b4 class,
met pat, just talked,
after class,
went home,
did sum reading up,
met helen,
was nice meetin up wif her again after god knos how many months,
went to koko black,
walked arnd d city,
then dinner.
came home,
watched the prestige w the fella nxt door.

n now im here.

dance class, movie n then dinner w the uncle tomoro.
n resttttttttttttt (perhaps, try to get sum studyin done) on the next day.

so there u hv it.
toodles.

a fresh outlook

so i went to have coffee wif a fren last nite,
whom ive been out of touch for awhile now.

it s always nice to know,
that no matter how long we've not spoken to each other,
let alone see one another,
that when we do,
it was as if, nothing has changed.

we can still talk like we used to,
joke around,
just be ourselves.

and of course,
like in any other conversations,
the topic of relationship was brought up.

just earlier in the day,
i was having coffee w anotha fren,
the same topic came up,
n it seems like she was in the same situation he was.

they were both unhappy being in the relationship,
but they were in one,
simply because they were too scared to hurt the other.

n i thought to myself.
is it fair?
is it fair for both of them to , reluctantly be in that relationship?
is it fair for their partners, who were led to believe that they were happy
when in fact, they just felt obliged.
n i thought,
no it's not.
prolonging it,
waiting for the 'right' time,
hoping things will change n get better.
that s a whole load of crap.

it s not wise prolonging it,
cos ure just cheating ur own feelings as well as hers,
there s nvr a right time to break up.
n u cant hope for things to get better,
when u dont want them to get better.

it's not fair to ur partners.

also,
what i realised was,
i had a fresh outlook on how the guy's minds work.
it's pretty interesting to have it the other way around.
n to look back,
with this new point of view,
everything s starting to make sense.
all my past relationships.
it's all starting to make sense.

n now that it has,
i feel liberated.
it's weird, i know.
but i feel free and i dont feel guilty.
it s nice.

it really does take two to tango,
whether u dance it gracefully,
or u keep stepping on each other s foot.
it takes two to tango.

i gues it s true wat ppl say,
try to put urself in the other person's shoes
and ull understand.

hide or ride.

change
it's inevitable.

day to night,
hot to cold,
fresh to stale,
new to old.

just like the weather,
clothes,
time,
people change just as everything else does.

im back in melbourne again,
after a month back home.
the first thought that crossed my mind,
when i stepped into the cab back to my apartment was.

everything is the same,
everything looks the same,
yet, everything feels different.

i used to say that melbourne is my home,
but somehow,
this time round, it just does not feel like.

n so i thought,
oh, its midnight, n ive just reached,
things wud b bk to normal,
once my life starts to pick up again.
n meeting anisha n jian ming on the plane helped too,
cos meant i dint hav to b alone,
for the 8 hours n d cab ride home.

but the moment i got home,
i realised,
this is the first time in 3 n a half yrs,
that i came back to my room alone,
no one waiting for me neither at the airport,
nor at home.

that was when it hit me,
it's all different.
n the series of events that followed,
just proved it right.

it wasnt pleasant,
but it happened anyway.

well, change is inevitable.
it's either we change along, and adapt,
or we get left behind.

so now my lifesstyle here has changed,
how i spend my freetime,
n whom i spend them with aren't the same no more.
im challenging myself to do things i never thought i would ever dare to,
im hanging out with those i thought never in a billion years wud i get along with,
im doing everything differently.
im stepping out of my comfort zone.

and ive got to tell u,
hell yea, it s scary not knowing wat to expect,
but the feeling u get,
of accomplishing sth u nvr dreamed of doing,
is just,
undescribable, n all worth it.

there are things in life that are way beyond our control,
things that we can never predict,
things that altho we dont like for it to happen,
will happen anyway.

but all we can do,
is to make the best of what s been thrown at us.
we can either cry n sulk,
or smile n try.

things all around us change all the time,
like everything else, happens for a reason,
to force us to change along,
to grow n learn,
to step out of the box n discover.

take that leap

tick tock.

it's only been slightly more than a week,
since i came back to melb.

but it feels like ive been back for months!
or more like, i was never away in the first place.

might have sth to do with the whole "proactive" thing ive got going on.
but im already exhausted,
n it's all yet to begin.

meeting up w frens,
crazy, long, crazy a couple more time nights,
dance, work, teaching,
n of course classes n practicals.

i guess it's good in a way,
i actually kinda enjoy it,
cos it keeps me on my toes all the time,
and forces me to learn how to manage my time properly.
and forces me to not allow myself to not procrastinate.
i know ill be fine.

but like i said,
it's all yet to begin.
owh well,
gues ill just have to suck it up.

so my interviews are in late sept.
one in sydney n anotha in adelaide.
sydney's wud b during the break,
so that s good,
thinking of jst goin there for a couple of days extra,
since ive gotta pay for d flights anw,
n since the girl wans to come along as well.

im really nervous.
about the interviews,
ive attended many interviews before,
for work, for societies, etc.
but this is diff.
it s a diff kind of interview,
that ive nvr encountered before.
n im stuck in a do or die situation.
so, im thinking i shud take the workshop.
cos ive come this far,
it ll b a real waste n shame to hv dropped out here.
it's not that i dnt hv confidence in myself.
n if there s only one thing i can do, is talk.
that much im sure ull agree.
but i just want to be as prepared as i can be.

it's not fun having to make so many decisions,
that can alter the life of your course ,
in all aspects,
personally, career-wise, and socially even,
in such a short period of time.
it's not even funny.

i guess ill manage.
somehow.

there's no place like home n no one else like family

im scared.
im terrified.

ive done this many times before,
for the past 3 yrs,
it hasnt always been this hard.
hasnt always been this painful.

im going bk to melb this fri.
only four days frm now.
n im dreadin it.
i really am.

maybe, it has sth to do with the fact that everytime i return to melb from kl,
nth ever stays the same,
everyth is foreign n diff, studies,
ppl i always used to hang out with,
we tend to drift apart,
things that i usually enjoy,
somehow seems all so different.
n im scared cos i dnt kno wat to expect.

maybe, it's because it's my last semester,
n knowing that this will b my last flight to melb.
maybe i just dont want the nightmares to start,
the days to the truth gets closer,
the days as to when my dreams will either come true,
or be shattered.

or maybe, it's because i've gotten so much closer to my family now,
than i ever did in the past 19 yrs of my life.

in the past 5 days,
ive realised how much my family means to me,
n how much i miss them.
in the past 5 days,
i dint think id miss my parents,
cos they re only goin away for a week,
n we have, previously been apart for months.

but i do.
i miss my parents, n my brother,
i miss late night coffees w my dad,
i miss my bro's dumb jokes.
n i miss cooking w my mum.
the highlights of my days are little sms-s from my parents,
or their calls at night.

i look forward to my sis n bro coming bk.
everyday.
i finally feel like i can be myself around them.
i finally feel like they know me for who i am,
n no one else but me.
it's a really nice feeling.
i realised today, id rather spend d day out with them then with my frens.
n it's not cos i feel obliged to like i usually do.
but cos i simply want to.
in these few days left,
id rather hav lunch with them then watch movies wif my frens.
id rather watch dvds at home then hanging out at mamaks.

recently, someone asked me,
who my best friend was,
n i was stumped.
ive found my answer now,
ive had many best friends,
but each lasted for oni a yr or 2.
but my family,
they are my best friends.
they are my best friends for life.

family are friends you do not get to choose,
and are stuck with for the rest of ur life.
but im glad, that it is the way it is.
cos then i kno,
no matter what,
no matter how many years from now,
ill nvr be alone,
n thru thick or thin,
they ll always be at least at the other end of the phone line.
waiting for me at the airport, everytime i get bak,
always knowing what to do,
what to say or do to cheer me up,
always tryin their best to make me feel better, regardless of how badly i snapped.
accepting me for who i am,
with no hidden agenda, no ulterior motive.
regardless of what bad decisions i make,
regardless of my mood swings,
regardless of how many times ive hurt and disappointed them,
regardless of all the pain ive put them thru.

there truly is no place like home n no one else like family.

the other side of the coin

so, the interviews are soon.

dont know when just yet,
but all i kno is soon.

with more prep,
every single moment in my life,
ive turned it into a situation,
probably overthinking and overanalysing it.

so, there are these 2 lil gals,
my neighbour's grandkids,
whom ive been playin baddy with.
or rather catching, pond fishing etc.
and what ive learnt from them,
is that u cant make everyone happy.

do we be ourselves,
disregarding what everyone else thinks of u,
n end up unhappy n alone. or
do we be whom others want us to be,
and be happy when with the crowd.

but its ironic that,
the most common advice anyone gives,
is to be ourselves.
what if being ourselves dnt work out for us.
what if being ourselves results in unhappiness.
doesnt it contradict itself.
what s the whole point?

u hav to choose,
or rather u hv to manipulate,
n look for diff means.
nth black n white.
no right or wrong answer.

have i becum cynical?
perhaps.
i dont believe in soulmates and true love,
i dont believe in everlasting friendship,
i dont believe that anything is forever.
i only believe in what i can control.

is that wrong?
it probably is.
but only those things make sense.

i gues, there s more than just two sides to the coin.
and this is one of the mistakes,
that i prob wil never learn from.
cos i do not know what ive learned from it.
gues, ill jus hv to keep repeating it,
till it finally makes sense to me.

just a reminder

so here's what it's going to be like.
what's left of my hols i mean.

it mainly consists of,
preparing for my interview in adelaide,
reading prospectuses and doing more research,
writing my personal statement,
contacting lecturers for references,
more university applications,
preparing for yet another admissions test,
and not to forget, ielts.

i hv 3 weeks,
to get as much done nw as i possibly can.

maybe, the letter was a reminder,
was a wake up call,
n maybe i shud b thankful.
i gues, everyth really does happen for a reason.

im not whining,
im not complaining,
im simply reminding myself.
that even if the list of things i hv to do,
in such a short time doubles, or triples,
i can do this.
ill manage it,
n ill do exceptionally well in all.
because i want this,
not for my family, not for my friends,
but for myself, my future, my life.

so im nt going to back down.

i just have to.

it's been tough,
it's been hard.
but ive come thus far,
and im nt abt to give up.
bcos i kno i deserve it,
bcos i kno i can do it,
bcos i kno i js have to.

it's my dream.
it always has been
n it still is.
so im nt goin to give up.

im nt goin to lose out,
due to technicalities,
im nt goin to give up,
becos i kno i am capable.

i am nt backing down till i have exhausted all options,
i am nt backing down till ive reached a dead end.

now, it's js a lil bit bumpier than i wud hav hoped.
the end of the road is still too far away.

ill sit for as many tests as i need to,
ill attend as many interviews as i have to,
ill read up on as much as im expected to.
ill do everyth in my power.

im not giving up,
bcos i kno i can do this,
even when everyone around has given up on me,
i cannot,
i simply cannot give up on myself.
ive still got a lot of fight left in me.
this is a battle,
that i have to win.

it's tough
it's hard,
ppl even say it's impossible,
but i know wat i am capable of,
i know wat i am made of,
and it is not impossible,
ive come through this far,
im nt goin to throw in the towel,
im nt goin to breakdown,
im nt goin to fall apart,
im going to fight this thing as hard as i need to.

it may nt be the ideal way i hoped for,
may not be how i imagined it to be,
but ill get there,
i know, ill get there.
cos i jst have to.

unleashed.

finally,
the day we thought wud nvr arrive, did.
n it was the long awaited friday..

i shall not bore ourselves with more genome talk,
so i shall dive in straight into what happens after.

i realised now,
having too many diff groups of frens,
prob isnt always a gud thing.
esp nt right after exams,
where everyone wans to let off sum steam.
n everyone has diff ideas of hw to.

from a simple cup of frozen yoghurt at mahoni's,
to shopping our way thru wat resembled much like a ghost town,
or more commonly known as harbourtown.
it's always a gud sign that the day will b gud frm then on,
when u find sth u like,
at the first shop u walked into.

as we headed out towards the restaurants on docklands,
to meet the rest at the promised time,
we wandered around as we had expected their poor judge in timing.
n walked pass by a floating cinema,
but ive gotta say, it was prob d popcorn that attracted us by.

they were playing jaws,
but not for anotha close to an hour,
til it started,
we kept ourselves busy,
taking photos,
including those of our feet,
by the water,
n up in the sky.

that was when i realised,
the simplest things,
can give u more joy than u thought.
it's nt always abt how many frens uve got,
or who's got the latest couture.
it's nth like that.

we then made our way to bluefire,
n had our dinner.
wasnt as expected,
but was nice nevertheless.

torn btw croft n a lounge in docklands,
we decided to make our way to croft,
only to realise,
how rowdy it was on a friday night in melb.
so we took a detour n ended up in a lil corner at the tuscan rooftop bar.
it was effortless, n nice, n familiar.
a perfect way to end the nite.

but that was not the end,
on the jam-packed 3 days we've planned,
in an attempt to make up for the past month's worth of fun lost.

saturday came,
which meant it was time for us to head down to dfo!
n more shopping!
abercrombie n fitch for 15!
i stil cant believe it.
it was night time,
which calls for MAHA!
omg,
ive gotta say the desserts were simply divine!!!

ive gotta admit, at this point,
i was jst drained.
(it's prob got sth to do the coffee/redbull/v withdrawal effect)

but i still had to grab sum things i promised for my family,
which i did on the sunday morning.
followed by frantic packing and cleaning,
as my phone kept ringing as he was waiting.
once i was all done,
we played sum wii,
while he transferred sum shows for me !!!!
be it mario kart, or tennis,
i lost miserably..
till the point where he gav up n switched to watchin dvds instead.
at that point, i was js gone,
n nodding along n giggling to wateva anyone was saying.
n all i cud think of is sleep.
until he said, lets hv dinner.

n me being the sorry, pathetic gal hu cant say no,
pulled out every last drop of energy left in me.
n headed down to the mycube
where we had a quick dinner

n then karaoke at kbox.
boy, was that fun.
to js scream ur lungs out,
without having any judging eyes,
throwing nasty looks.

ive gotta say,
that s the perfect way to end,
yet anotha sem,
indicating anotha episode of my life.

happy endings are just the beginning of yet another tragedy.

you told me to think about it.
and i have.

ive given u my answer,
n u told me to think about it more.
n so i did.

you said we are forever.
but i think, you dont know what forever means.
we're much too young to use the word forever,
there s too much out there we dnt even kno abt,
to say that we are forever.

those beautiful words u used,
i kno u mean it,
but ill tell u now,
its a lie ure tellin me n even yourself,
a lie.
that u dont even know ure making.
a promise,
that u dont even know u can keep.
those three words,
are only to be used,
when truly meant,
maybe u do now,
n id like to believe so.
but please just think again

i admit,
there are times,
i wish im with u,
on those cold, lonely nights,
on those grim, gloomy days,
when everyth is falling apart,
even on days when everyth's falling into place,
its u i wana share d good news with.
i do, i did,
i always did wish we were together.

but the truth is,
we all know,
how it's going to end.
n i cant bear the thought of hurting,
yet another one.
n to have to go through it once again,
i dont think i can,
n i care too great a deal for you,
so i wouldn't want you to.

yes, it would be great while it lasts.
but after that,
only the pain is left.
n just the thought of it is unbearable.

the only one certain thing is,
i wont be here anymore next year.
maybe back home, maybe in a whole other country,
but definitely,
we wont get to see each other anymore.

this hurts,
but it ll only be worse later on,
when everyth arnd starts reminding me of u.

i wish things were different.
i wish we could be together.
n im not going to pretend this is easy for me,
but the reality is,
it is what it is.
and there s not goin to be a happy ending in our story.

so, let's just cherish our friendship together,
create new memories,
that will forever, remain in our hearts.
so that then,
even when we're miles apart,
we ll always have each other, forever.

lights, camera, action.

when you watch tv shows,
n witness all the drama,
u sometimes wonder what it's like,
n how cool it would be to be a part of it.

but when it goes live,
in your life,
it's a whole other story.

freaky, creepy, stalker,
ghosts from the past,
ungrateful "friends" whom you thought had ur best interest at heart,
swollen eye,
information overload,
(trust me, not only study wise),
owh so long days that never seem to end,
long waits.

the week has been long.
the week has been painful,
very painful.
but ive managed to get thru it.

ive sat thru my first paper,
in such a cold, freezing room,
dressing like a fat, overdressed penguin.
the paper, was ok.
was better than expected,
jst hope the results go that way too.

ive managed to get thru all this,
it makes everyth else seem so much easier,
as if, no matter what happens next,
its not gona break me.
cos ive been thru worse.

but then again,
everytime i say that,
i wake up to anotha day, proven wrong.
so in the meantime,
im happy.

im happy that ive managed to get thru it all,
n at the end of the day,
with a new piece of blue hoodie,
owh so warm and preetty...

is fucking pissed at people who do not know common courtesy,
or know and choose not to practice it. .

is fucking pissed at people who do not respect you.

is fucking pissed at people who take u for granted and only look for u when they need a favor.

is fucking pissed at people who hang up on me.

is fucking pissed at those who do not get hints that i dont want to talk to them

is fucking pissed at people who thinks i have super high tolerance level and i can laugh at everyth. im oni human ok?

is fucking pissed at people who choose to tell you things, no one shud ever know, especially at the worst timing ever.

Fuckkkkkkkk!

sometimes i jst wish
that nothing has changed,
altho it's prob not good.
it definitely is easier.

que sera sera

three white strands,
in a day.
n many more since.
not a gud sign.

the stress is getting to me.
it's all jst to overwhelming.

but i wud hv to say a very big thank u
to all three of u .

firstly,
to u, who's been listening to me rant all day n all nite.
like literally.
n for being there, js filling out the forms,
im sorry,
but my paranoia goes a lil out of hand with admissions stuf.
so thank u.
and thank u also for being there for me that nite,
when i dint kno wat to say, n so helpless.
when i was js on d brink of breakdown.
u prob dint notice,
but the lil things u do, js being there n listening
really helps.
n im sorry for being the grump all week long.

n to the pink lil purple ping pong,
thanks to u too,
for helping me check d forms,
like i said, my paranoia, is jst a taddd out of hand.
for d lil choc frog,
dat made my week, afta being in bed for 3 whole days.
n thank u of cos for d wonderful meals n times,
cos it's more den wat i need.
thank u very much for all,
n stil helping me out even when ure swamped w work urself.

n to my other dear gal,
my deepest gratitude,
for dropping them in d box,
for othawise,
i wud hav js stood there all day n all nite,
too scared to let go.
boy, was i glad i bumped into u ...
n of cos, same goes for opening my results for me.
thank u....

these thank yous prob dont do justice n barely match up to the extent at which u guys hav all helped me,
but i kno no other way,
cos ud al prob kno,
im not very good w expressing stuff like dis
or anyth like it.
frm the bottom of my heart,
i thank u all.

n to u,
if nth else, i believe in karma,
good or bad,
it's as simple as dat,
n frm where im standing,
ive oni seen u do good things for others,
in fact, not js random acts of kindness,
but uve changed lives,
uve definitely changed mine,
for uve saved me.
literally,
cos if it werent for u, i wudnt b able to write this to u.

que sera sera,
whateva wil b, wil be.
the future's not ours to see,
que sera sera.

in the meantime,
all we can do is hope and believe and pray.
i believe that wonders are coming your way.
in the meantime, ill always be here for u ,
like u always hav been for me.

surprise surprise!!!

so,
ive had the most hectic, crazy couple of weeks.

as if a couple of tests and a couple of assignments werent enough to occupy my time,
i had to give a couple of "career talks" to a couple of Grades 1 n 2 classes,
as well as a whole hall of grades 5 n 6 students.
damn, that was scary!!!
n there were obvious n very diff reactions from the 2 grps....
d younger ones, were soooo excited, n i felt like,
wow! being a scientist prob isnt so bad, after all..
but then as i went on to the grades 5 n 6,
made me regret n feel sorry for all the lecturers n speakers i dint listen to.
it was so painful!
to make it worse,
ive gotta giv anotha one to the grades 3 n 4 nxt week.
i really cant rmb wat i told d kids... owh well...

the crazy, insane ABP meetings,
isnt really a good way to start the weekend,
but shoppin definitely is!!

i also met bill for d first time....
really cool, uber talkative, funny guy,
who js so happens to hav sooo many ex-s,
all nicknamed after food,
like popcorn, spaghetti n meatballs, scones...
true story....

a week later, when i wasnt arnd,
i found out,
that he points out to wat i giggle at.
n apparently, its almost at everyth as ive been told.
woops...

went to the art studio once again,
but this time oni ian was there,
it was different,
n strangely uncomfortable.
mayb i do prefer a big group altho its very tiring.

a good, hearty dinner at press club is also a very good way to start the weekend!
altho, we ordered oni a couple of tapas,
n desserts,
OMG! we were sooooo full....
ok, mayb i shud mention,
we ordered the dessert platter,
that was prob meant for 4!!
once again, woops!

i came home one day, to a very unexpected, shocking, uncomfortable, i dnt kno hw to respond msg. (enuff said)

n ive been spending more time w ppl i nvr tot i ever wud,
n ive learnt so much,
people r jus fullllll of surprises!
gues its true wat they say,
nvr judge a book by its cover.

n a weird mid aged guy approached me when i was at bailieu the otha day,
n started askin really weird, creepy questions,
followed by can i hv ur number,
to which i replied, sure,
and a string of random numbers dat popped into my head.
ive definitely learnt my lesson.
;)

n to top it all off!!!!
my dearest, crazy fren, dearly known as adlin!
decided we shud go for a hair modelling thingymajiggy.
so we did. without knowing wat to expect.
in my mind, i started imagining a room full of 6 feet size zero blondes,
n i was like.. damn! wat hv i gotten myself into,
oni to step into an empty room, w a couple of ladies who very kindly approached us, n explained wat it's all abt, n chose a hairstyle for us!!
cant wait!
n its always fun to hav my dear study buddy stay over...
makes goin to d library dat much more bearable!!!

but now,
i foresee,
a very dreadful, long, boring month ahead of me...
owh well,
hope im wrong!!

xoxo.

cos when it does,
it hurts like a bitch

fear not.

so it all boils down to a set of numbers,
that are now,
out of my control.

so in the meantime,
ive decided to take control of wat i can.
keeps my mind of wat i cant for awhile.

i realised today,
that for most of my life,
ive js sat bk,
n take things as they come,
n do wat im supposed to,
rather den wat i really want to.
for most of the time,
im too scared.

so ive decided to take control and overcome my fears.

im afraid of animals,
im gona hold one at a pet store.

im afraid of havin a meal alone in a restaurant,
and that s wat im going to do,
alone.

im afraid of being called crazy,
nah.. dat one's not true.
ppl alredi do.

im afraid to talk to a stranger on the train,
n now i will.

im afraid of getting too close to the ppl i care abt,
so im nt gona shy away when i feel we are abt to anymore.

im afraid to face the ghosts of my past,
so that's wat ill do.

im afraid to lose weight,
altho i kno that i really need to.
yea, weird one isnt it?
cos, it brings up too many memories that still haunts my every waking moment.
but im nt goin to let it anymore.

im afraid to tell them how i really feel,
for im afraid of being judged,
so im goin to confront them,
n be honest.

im afraid of being different,
but that's who i am,
n im not gona pretend im not.

simply because,
i can.

i want to,
but i dont know how.

to find the one perfect reality

because,
until it is found,
it hurts like a bitch.

as i look around,
at the ppl walking by,
at the ppl all arnd me,
at my frens by my sides,
i realise,
there s a story behind each n every one,
that wil remain their own,
no matter what.

A story,
with a beginning,
a buildup,
a climax,
and finally an ending.
to each their own narrator,
with a lil bit of comedy,
n a lil bit of action, horror, drama, romance.
involving many different characters.
with many different chapters.

i finally understand forrest gump's.
i finally understand why he could run for three years,
for three years, he ran across the country several times.

he was stumped,
cos altho, his story had nt reached the ending,
he did not know, at that instance,
where it wud go frm there,
n the ending, be it good or bad,
jst seemed impossible.
so he ran,
ran away frm everyth n everyone,
he jst kept running,
so that, without doin anyth else, or puttin his heart out,
he would hv nth to lose, carefree and it wouldnt matter,
cos at that point,
it all seems blank.

we all judge.
but wat we often overlook,
is the story they hav to tell,
behind those labels,
we have put on them.

so, stop n listen,
cos there s so much more behind those eyes,
behind those smiles and chitter chatters,
people will never fail to surprise you.

and as for my story,
lets jst say,
i used to hav dreams, but it's about to be crushed,
i used to hav hopes, but ive learnt that, it's only going to disappoint you time and time again,
i used to hav a best fren, n he wud give me a reason to hope again,
but ive lost that,
i used to hav a confidante, but ive driven him away too.
i used to hav strength, but ive run out of it.

what else do i have?
i dnt kno.
but what i do kno,
is that this is not my ending,
n until then,
im jst gona keep running,
just like forrest gump.
and when ive found my ending.
im gona tell u my one perfect reality,
which begins with,

"life is like a box of chocolates"

irony, karma, paradox, call it as you wish.

i got chills,
so i took the pill,
from the nurse called Jill,
which came along with it a whole load of bills,
I wanted to run to the hills,
but my friend gave me chicken with dill,
with the sole will,
to have my stomach filled,
but I might as well have gills,
as I cant sit still,
I want to go for the kill.

When you get lost in a foreign suburb,
called Malvern,
for close to two hours,
your mind tends to wander,
and the above was what I managed to come up with,
to suppress my frustrations,
as I take another clueless step.

So the past couple of days,
have been,
very intense, but undoubtedly very very interesting.

The Monday arvo.
I was set out to do sth diff at Inclusion Melb.
Instead of taking David out to the art studio or coffee etc,
I have been asked to look out at the art studio.
Due to shortage of volunteers,
they hv come up w a system whereby,
the clients get there, either by themselves, or otha volunteers drop them off n then LEAVE!

So,
there I was,
after walkin around for 2 hrs tryin to look for the studio
(as a result of me being lazy, n wanted to take a shortcut instead)
one by one they started to arrive,
Ian, George, Anna, David.

They re a lovely, funny bunch.
Ian , who was extremely animated,
with his endless questions n compliments,
and claiming that fruits make u sick,
but hot choc with a hint of coffee n tea is the cure for absolutely anything.
George, who was very quiet n obedient,
who sat by the corner,
painting the sky green.
Anna, was such a doll,
was always fun to have her around.
and David, with his endless proposals.

So u can only imagine,
what it was like out there,
It was fun, most definitely.
I couldnt stop laughing,
We painted n sculpted n drew,
but it was very very tiring!!!

exhausted, but all worthwhile.

Then, there was today.
Freck!!
I officially claim myself to be stupid!

So I had a couple of interviews with a couple of professors from WEHI.
and me, cleverly, scheduled for both the interviews to be on the same day,
and to meet at the same place,
with only an hour intervals between the two.

Only later did I realise,
there's a reallllllyyyyy high chance of me bumping into Baell again while I waited for Wicks.
Damn!!
n Clara, threatening to call Baell, buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Anw,
what happened was,
first interview w Baell, whose lab is in Bundoora, but decided to come down to the city cos of the seminar.
Since he dint hv an office nearby, we jst went for a walk while we talked.
a very funny, friendly man.
claims that he can read n walk at the same time,
to prove to girls dat guys can multitask!
owh well.... do i need to say more?!
that interview went really well,
except for the fact that the lab is onli like one hour away!
So Baell has always been my insurance one.

Then later on,
after hiding behind pillars and trucks,
from receptionists who prob recognised me from before,
Met Wicks,
and we had a really long chat,
well, he did the chat, i jst nodded along.
He took me to the lab to meet Ann, who was prob gonna b my supervisor.
Very friendly people,
who sounded jst as keen to hv me, as I was to be working there.

All went well,
as we shook hands at the end of it,
I asked, where do we go frm herE?
and he said,"Apply to UROP."
Freck!!! Then y d hell was I here? and giving me the hope n crap!

I felt so cheated!
I gues this is what happens when you cheat on others,
U'll be cheated back,
only in a diff way.

Life works in mysterious ways.
but do bad,
n ure sure to be given a taste of ur medicine.

I certainly know that now.

Whether you be rebellious and iconoclastic or conservative or ecclesiastic

says tim minchin.

it was abt two weeks ago,
as i once again spent the day in the state library.
on one of my short breaks,
where it all seemed too much to take in,
i stepped out,
to take in a breathe of fresh air,
n sat at the corner i usually do,
as i watch as people walk by.

but on this day,
a couple sat right next to me,
with the man holding a loaf of bread.
as they sat down,
he opened the bag,
n passed a few slices of bread to the lady.
without sayin a word to one another,
they tore the bread into pieces,
n started tossing them around on the grass.

a flock of seagulls gushed towards it,
all at once,
almost as if from nowhere.
as i watched these birds,
ive never realised hw diff they are from each otha,
altho frm afar they all look pretty much d same.

some with smaller necks,
some with red feet, some yellowish,
some bigger than others,
one even with a kind of a limp.

what i also realised was,
that no matter how different they appear to be,
all of them was out for the same thing.
themselves.
it really is, survival of the fittest.

as they all charged towards the first piece of bread that lands on the floor,
they fight it off one another,
and as anotha piece falls to the ground,
they flock over to the otha side,
sum already with food in their beaks.

as for the birds,
they all fight for survival.
regardless who they may hurt,
or how they get it.

and as i looked up,
n saw the ppl walkin by the streets,
it occured to me, that we,
really arent all that diff from those birds.

no matter how different we look,
or no matter how different we claim ourselves to be from other live beings in this world,
maybe we are all in denial.

who are we kidding?
whether one aspires to be a doctor, a lawyer, a musician, or an old bum.
ultimately, there s oni one thing we're looking for.

happiness.
be it, to find love,
or sense of belonging.
no matter how we twist our words around,
no matter how hard we try to deny it,
there s no escaping, cos..
this is the truth.

so maybe it is time,
we look at things as it is,
rather than as we wish it to be,
and mayb then we ll realise that life isnt all that bad,
all it needs is to be given a fresh new outlook.

as newton faulkner sings,

"cause trying to make a difference, makes it worse, the lights are so bright, they blind you, the more we know, the less we care, whilst damaged on the way."

tiddlywinks of the bubbly toes

thank you to you.
u hv no idea how long it's been since ive laughed truly that hard,
thank u for giving me hope once again,
n thank u for making me believe in myself once again.
im finally back on my feet again,
n seeing things clearly as it is,
n not as i imagine it to be.
n once again, i am myself,
for that,
i owe u the world.
thank u.
xoxo

cant wait for tmr! ;)

of a raving lunatic

make believe stories,
fantasy fairy tales,
soap opera drama,
hollywood cliches.

they are all just lies.

but why are we still surrounded by them?
why do so many feel the need for them?

why do we need to make our life sound more dramatic than it really is?
why do we need to cover up the truth?
why do we need to come up with stories that are in no way logically possible?
is it all so that,
they have sth to talk abt?
or is it js so that they feel important that sth dramatic is happening in their life?
or do they js dream to become movie producers one day?!

maybe we should all try this thing,
we call truth,
one day,
it's nt all bad.
even if it is, there s usually a reason for it.

so give it a shot,
it's pretty cool.

ooo,
and the most productive thing ive done all week,
was making the decision,
that im no longer going to be a pushover,
it's jst too painful n tiring.
bitches win, bitches get wat they want,
so hey, who's complaining? why not?

and the whole schenanigans abt karma?
it oni works for bad karma,
there s no such thing as good karma

so,
bye bye!

senselessly helpless or helplessly senseless

it is like a nightmare,
that never goes away,
be it day or night,
night or day,
it lingers around in my mind,
haunting my every waking moment,
captured in every dream i dream.

it leaves me senselessly helpless,
or rather, helplessly senseless.
what does it matter,
either way,
it is out there.

with every positive thought,
as i step into bed every night,
reassuring myself,
this will be the last of it,
telling myself as i wake up to the sunrise the next morning,
that s exactly all there will be,
with no extra baggage.

little did i realise,
how wrong i was.
with every first moment i open my eyes,
the memory of my dream that night lingers.
funny how,
often our dreams can never be remembered,
but now there hardly seems to be a line btw my dream and reality.
it is like the voice over ur shoulder,
repeating it over n over.
with its sole purpose to ensure it doesnt fade.

walking around like a zombie,
day after day a little piece of me,
no matter how hard i try to fight it,
gets eaten alive,
as i let myself be.

the world is our playground, why arent we playing in it?

i am only human,
just like any other person on the face of this earth.

can sumone put an end to all this,
or even just a pause.

im done playing this game of charades.

just take me away from it all,
even if it s jst for awhile.

too many things inside of me,
i want to jst take it out,
contain it in a bottle,
n nvr open it again.

but that s jst yet another fairytale ending,
that we all long for,
but will never attain.

the awakening

it was a bright sunny day,

as i eagerly stepped off the tram at fed square,

trying my best to hold in the excitement,

for the surprise planned for one of my closest, dearest friend.

i stepped off the tram,

and i gazed around,

for any familiar face,

until i heard a loud thud.

as i looked ahead of me,

an old lady was on the ground.

with her face facing down,

and one of her shoes off her feet.

i held my hand out to help her up,

she reached her arm out for mine,

and as i muttered the words,

"Are you alright?"

She turned to me,

and said,

"Yes, lovely"

but she obviously was not.

Blood oozed out of her forehead,

just slightly above her left eyebrow.

I reached into my bag,

only to find I dont carry tissue around.

I stood there,

speechless and aimless.

By this time,

a crowd was forming around her,

mostly stood around,

simply to feed their curiosity.

With one hand holding hers,

I just stood there silently.
As the poor lady kept saying,

I'm fine, I'm fine.

to all those who repeatedly asked her,

are you alright?

I took out my phone to dial for an ambulance,

only to realise I dont know the number.

As the crowd grew,

and more people were attending to her,

I took off.

Just like that,

I took off.

I simply let go of her hand,

and walked away.

As I sat across the tram stop,

I just watched her,

I knew she was in good hands now,

but I just walked away and sat and watched.

I was dumbfounded.

I was at a lost.

For the next 20 minutes,

I remained seated there,

watching her,

and all those brave ones,

who actually helped her,

and not walk away like I did.

as the ambulance arrived.

I sighed a long sigh of relief,

followed by a few stream of tears.

The guilt, I felt,

as that sweet dear lady,

looked into my eyes and said,

"Yes lovely"

only to be left there,

simply cos I didn't know what to do.

I have always hated and despised those hu turn up later then the agreed time,

but at that moment,

every second felt like a lifetime.

and I was just praying and hoping that

someone familiar would step off the tram soon,

simply because,

i just couldn't.

i was speechless,

i stared blankly into space.

n i was owh so very thankful when my phone rang,

n saw kw's blue jacket.

i will nvr forget you, my dear lady.

please forgive me.

i had every intention of helping you.

i really did.

but i panicked

and i didnt kno how.

i am sorry for just walking away.

i am sorry for not being there to just hold ur hand for just a lil bit longer.

i am so very truly sorry.

didn't ur mum ever teach u manners?

some common courtesy lesson people:

1. u dont msg at 2 saying ure late, when ure supposed to meet at 2! some ppl do actually care and worry abt being late, n when d clock ticks close to 2, we rush n run js so that we can make it in time. if ure not on the way, close to 2, u kno ure not gona b on time, u let others kno then, not at 2, so that others dont hav to rush their way and then sit there and jst wait for u, while u dilly dally n linger arnd. otha ppl hav lives to, n hav no time to js sit arnd waiting for u!

2. u dont ask people for ur resumes. u dont say hi, how r u , n b4 u can say hi bk, u dont say can i hav a look at ur resume and email??? if the person ure askin from makes a lame ass excuse, u dnt say can i photocopy it from u on monday, u take the hint n f*** off! internet s there for general use, it's not oni for games, or porn, or facebook. hav u heard a lil sth called GOOGLE! ppl put in lots n lots of effort into a resume, n its sth very personal, u dnt js ask it off someone, n js change the name n submit!! im not a genius, in fact im not even smart, i walk into poles more often than any other dumb person. so if i can do it, y cant u ? well, it's simply cos ure tooo f***ing lazy to get off ur butts and do sth that actually matter!

3. when life doesnt turn out the way u wan it to be, cry! weep! get angry!!! but u dnt bring the whole world down with u. u dont get angry and scold n tell the person hu u asked for help to f*** off. i took time off to help u, cos i was concerned, altho ive got so much on my mind these days, i havent had time to sleeep! but still i ran dwn there when u needed me, jst so that u cud kick me out. the nxt time, i got a call from u, gues wat, ooopss im busy!

one way ticket

it feels like 4am,
if it wasnt for the sun.

i've been awake,
n i dint even realise the time,
til the sun rose.
it still feels like 4am,
cos im so dazed.

received my one way ticket for my exam.
which can only mean one thing,
the exam is very very soon.
the ticket says to be at melbourne park function hall at 8.15am.
8.15 am???
it's going to take me at least half an hour simply to get there.
looks like, i have to wake up at 6am,
to sit for my 6 hrs exam,
looks like im gona need 6 bottles of "V"
to survive the day.

so ive been reading a lot,
ive ran out of questions to practice on,
n my brain is js too saturated to study anymore sciences.
so i decided to catch up on wat s goin on in the world.

time, new scientist, newsweek, herald sun,new internationalist, wikipedia,
article after article i read,
as i have to squint my already hard to open eyes,
to read the very tiny prints these magazines chose,
god knows why.

the more i read,
the more i realise,
how ignorant ive been all this while.

it came to my realisation that,
yea, i do watch the news every evening,
where they talk yet once again about the weather,
all the juicy hollywood gossip,
accidents occuring around melbourne.
but i havent really been paying much attention to what is really going on in the world.

altho i'm really tired,
n js want to spend a whole day not doin anyth,
without having to worry about how much work ive got left to do,
i actually enjoy reading these articles,
cos im learning so much.
if everyth else fails,
at least ive bcum much more aware of the current affairs rite now.

so, did u know:
In Japan, Shudo (衆道 shudō), the Japanese tradition of age-structured homosexuality was prevalent in samurai society from the medieval period until the end of the 19th century.


In 1997, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) filmed staff inside Huntingdon Life Sciences (HLS) in the UK, Europe's largest animal-testing facility, hitting puppies, shouting at them, and simulating sex acts while taking blood samples.

The U.S. is currently the greenest nation in the world, despite talks of how they are the main cause of deterioration in environment, especially California

Capital punishment and abortion is legal in Islam

A couple of parents who have just lost their child to cancer, wants to use the sperm the son had donated, and into a surrogate mother, just so that they can have a grandchild.

Facebook has been condemned to be a waste of time, and reduces productivity in the workforce among many other negative traits. Facebook fanatics have opposed to those condemnations, by creating a group against people who are against Facebook.

In China, parents send their children to boot camp for Internet addiction for at least two months.

While I drown myself in words, facts n numbers,
the only thing keeping me awake and alive,
is the fact that we ll b havin breakfast at mart today!!
weeee....