quicksand

why i do the things i do?
i dont understand.

maybe it's sth to do w d fact that i can't be by myself...
be it on the streets,
in a cafe,
or anywhere at all.

but why do i stil do it?
even when i kno how it's goin to end?

is it cos there s still that lil bit glimmer of hope?
is it cos that mayb this time arnd it wud b diff?

i dont know.
but i would really like to,
so that i don't repeat my mistakes.
maybe it'll be better if i understand better.

but as of now,
i dont,
n i find myself in the same mess time and time again.

it's like standing on quicksand.
when u know u shudn't move arnd as much,
but u still do anyway.
knowing that it's wrong, but not addressing it.

back to the real world.

sometimes ppl do things u jst dont understand,
why they did n would do such a thing,
n put the blame on others,
or pretend it wasnt mentioned.

that alone is pissifying enough.

so what happens,
when 3 similar situations occur within the span of 2 hours,
after comin bk from the best weekend i've had in a very long time.

i feel like screaming,
i feel like slapping each n everyone.
i kno its syawal,
n im supposed to be patient n forgiving,
but seriously, WTF?
dont u ppl hav any freakin brains!
WTF! is all i can say.

mayb it's d lack of sleep,
mayb it's d tired mind is just angsty.
i dnt kno.

i want to sleep all day long,
n not give a damn.

but,
sadly....

i can only pray n hope for u

i feel sorry,
that you have changed.

i feel sorry,
that i am now terrified of u,
like i am scared of the ppl on the streets on a friday nite,
when i used to want to be by ur side,
in my every waking moment.

i feel sorry,
that we dont talk or see each other any more,
but during those rare, random times we do,
u're not the person whom i used to know.

i feel sorry,
that you're not the sweet, loving n caring person u used to be,
but the rowdy, rude n loud ones that i hear from my room,
every fri n sat nites.

i really hope im wrong,
i really hope that im making an unfair and snap judgement,
when i dont have a right to anymore,
especially since i dont know u now.

i really hope im wrong
n nw,
i can only pray n hope for u,
that u truly are happy.

longest week.

phenotype exam,
amigos,
housewarming,
patho exam,
adelaide,
offer
birthday surprises,
snaps,
melb tourists,
up,
freddo,
ten ren,
camberwell market,
ikea richmond,
harbortown,
press club.

it's been one hell of a week,
feels like a month!

altho ive oni gotten abt only a couple of hrs of sleep every nite for d past one week,
it has been the best week of my life!

it has all finally paid off,
needless to say,
n it was all worth it.

the world is finally round again

imagine holding your breath,
for 4 years,
n d relief and joy of being finally able to breathe again.
is simply overwhelming.

the world is finally round again,
n i can finally truly smile,
simply because,
i am very truly happy.

i hv to admit, the trip to adelaide was pretty daunting.
first, because i was going interstate,
alone, n i dnt kno anyone there,
n anyth abt that place.
n 2ndly of cos, the interview.

the nite i reached, i checked into my room,
n went out for a walk on jetty road,
which is equivalent to melb's swanston road,
but leads to the beach.
all the shops were closed,
but it was nice to just take a stroll.
n walk along the beach.

the next morning,
i woke up n got to flinders uni.
it started off w a nt so brief briefing,
followed by the interview.

had to make a 4 minute presentation,
but with all the questions i was bombarded with,
it led to 30 minutes instead.
this was followed by a series of questions,
some personal, like y do u wana bcum a doctor,
n what s the one thing u regret most in ur life,
etc etc .
and some were situations, which were pretty tricky,
but i guess mostly required commonsense.

2 hrs later, it finally ended.
i walked out of the room feeling pretty good,
n made my way to d beach again,
before i had to catch a flight bk to melb.

it was when i reached the airport that it hit me,
(where i had 2 hrs to spare, doin nth, cos of the delay)
i totally screwed it up.
the more i thought abt my answers,
the more ridiculous it sounded.
hence, was beating myself up, the whole trip bk n the next day.

ironically, its a habit of mine, to check my mails every morning,
but sumhow, dat morn i dint.
i was out from 11 am til 3 am (talk abt taking abreak!)
n only when i came home that morning,
did i receive the letter, that was apparently been sent at 9am.

i couldnt bliv it,
i read it twice,
before i started screaming at the top of my lungs,
jumping as high as i possibly cud,
n ran over to my neighbors,
frantically banging on his door n screaming,
i got itttttttt! i did it!!!!
i dint kno wat to do,
i cudnt stop jumping arnd n screaming.

ive nvr felt that way b4,
it was strange,
but i cant complain.
it was the hugest n longest sigh of relief.

altho flinders isnt my first choice,
its good to kno that,
in the worst case scenario, ill still be doin medicine.
so i gues, dreams do come true after all,
just a lil later for sum.

sydney n canberra in a few weeks,
n ive yet to buy tix n book accomo,
it s such a pain,
but i shud do it soon!

Happineessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!
i cant stop smiling,
ppl must be thinkin im a freak,
but i cant help it!