it's been a really long time since,

i just sat down, and dont know what to do.

im feeling,

a little bit of this, and a little bit of that.

on the one hand,

im really glad to be back home, with the family,

away from med school and canberra, even just for awhile.

my wonderful parents had thrown me such a wonderful birthday celebration,

with the sweetest, most amazing gift,

when really,

all i wanted for my 21st,

was to see them again.

i realised last night,

how very truly blessed i am,

with friends in canberra, melbourne, msia, no matter where i am,

who will always have my back.

and it doesnt stop at a fb msg once a year,

it's just more than that.

because at this point,
all i want to do is breakdown

2 weeks till...

things change,
people change..
guess we ve jst gotta change with the changes.

it sucks, but it happens.

'cos i'm just a little bit tired.

im tired of all ur stories,
listening to u whinge n whine,
abt sth that is so petty.

im tired of all ur bullcrap,
treating others like shit with absolutely no respect for anyone,
and not good enough for u.

cos u kno y,
ure even more pathetic than anyone i kno.
u walk around as if u own the world,
but u kno, the world is against u,
but cos i feel sorry for u, i stick around and i stand up for u,
even when everyone, yes everyone is tellin me to stay away from u.

im tired of being the shoulder to cry on,
for all of u,
listening to all ur sob stories,
which really, is nt all that sad,
bcos, mind u, there are ppl worse off than u.
that's y we're al in this course,
i tot all of u wud kno better,
but i guess not.

crying over little petty things,
oh grow up!
ure all like close to a decade older than me,
yet im the one givin u advice.
n at the same time, ure all judging me saying im too young
to be good enough.
erm, fuck you!
at least i dnt cry over being a lecture behind,
or cos i usually get to go home every weekned but not this weekend.
or cos my bf doesnt call me.
fuck you, i only get to see my family once a year,
yet i dnt complain about it all the time
altho i miss damn like crazy
just suck it up n harden uP!

and besides,
where r u when i need u?
not one of u sons of bitches.
n u say ure my frens.

erm.. if u kno al the complicated medical terms,
it's just a wee bit sad,
if u dont kno the simple definition of a friend

Im tired of all the backstabbing
and false pretenses and lies.

ladies and gentlemen,
newsflash: we're not in high school anymore.

please wake up,
step out of ur little fantasy
and back into reality,
thank you very much.

they come in threes

Red Week, Red Party,
Companion House,
Trip to Wollongong,
Things to organise in the next 2 weeks.

PAL Paper,
Prac Exam,
Ethics Application for Research Project,
All due in 2 weeks time.

I can now, literally say, there's not nearly enough hours in the day.

Plus,
The 3 people Ive gotten closest to since I moved to Canberra,
Really have shown that you are truly on your own in this world.

Well, you know what they say,
they all come in threes.

How am I going to survive the next two weeks,
I dont know.

fucking FML!

am fucking exhausted!!!
can SOMETHING, just ANYTHING work out right, for once, please!
thank god for semester 'break' in a week!

n by break i mean, time to catch up on all the work!

I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!

but yet, she s still silently screaming out loud.

where's the balance?

just a little bit longer.

cos it's been awhile since ive blogged.

i truly apologise,
but it's simply cos,
we had an assignment,
that basically required us to "blog" if i may say so.
so now that that's been handed in,
i shall resume my rants here.....

so its been a hell of 3 months,
the first half is almost coming to an end.
it's gone by pretty damn fast,
n so much has happened! i dnt even kno where to start

but all i can say is,
ive made sum really good frens since ive been here,
n i hav no idea hw to repay them.
im, oh so grateful.

its been a pretty rough week,
with all that s been happening,
it felt almost as tho sumone s stabbed me numerous times,
revived me, jst so they cud stab me summore.

but sth happened today,
n all i can say is,
when u think that life's throwing u all kinds of shit,
n u dun even kno where to start pickin urself up,
just hold on a lil longer,
cos sth even better is jst waiting for u arnd the corner.

i really do believe, there s only a finite amount of bad for a person.
so pretty soon that will run out,
n it ll b all uphill frm there.

optimistic? perhaps. but it's true.

it's a very funny world we live in.

is it wrong that I'm afraid to fall asleep?

a new lease

ive survived 10 days without internet..
well, i had my iphone, so does it count?

its only been a little over a week,
but so much has happened since.

a new surrounding,
a new lifestyle,
new friends and basically, everything.

ive got to admit,
the first few days were hard.
getting lost, unfamiliar with the ways of the locals here,
without being able to call someone i already know,
to ask for help.

but eventually,
it all turned out pretty well.
n ive gotta say,
if nth else,
just smile.
ull be surprised how far a smile can take u.

we've had scavenger hunts, drinks,
lawn bowling,
speed dating,
trivia games,
karaoke,
pub crawling,
just to name the main ones.

tiring, but fun nonetheless,
met really interesting people over the week,
all from very different backgrounds,
but somehow,
we can all get along just fine.

maybe cos there r only 98 of us,
oh, n of those, only 2 are internationalll!!
meeepsss.

im excited to be given these new lease.
to start all over again.
so much to learn, both academically and socially and culturally.
even the lectures have been really very intriguing.

cant wait for toga night,
moonlight cinema,
n street partyyyyy!
before the tough stuff begins!

weeeeeeee....

here i go.
meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeps.

deja vu

ive got this really funny feeling.

it's a little odd,
but not unfamiliar.

the uncanny mix of
fear, anxiety, and excitement

it's actually happening,
and a lil sooner than id wished for it to be,
cos id hate to have to leave home.

the uncertainty is killing me.
stepping onto a foreign land,
not knowing anyone there,
no one i can call to say im here!
no one waiting for me near my room.

ive had this feeling before,
it's really very unsettling.
always at the back of your head.
and there's nth i can do abt it jst yet.

to make it temporarily stop bothering me,
i keep telling myself that,
i was only 16 when i first stepped foot on melb,
n did the whole thing from scratch.
it wasnt all too bad.
and now, hopefully, im a lil wiser n matured (or am i?).
it'll be easier.
i dnt know.

i gues only time will tell.

it really is,
a whole new world.

why is there so much hatred in this world?

reality

i felt the sudden need,
to look for good poems,
to read and just be inspired.
mesmerized even.

and i found this one,
which is so true,
and exactly how i feel right now.

so this is for you,
and you know exactly who you are.

Reality

by Line Kjergaard (i think =p)

If you need a place, in this reality

Just to be yourself, while everything seems awfully

To cry, to scream, to relief your heart

When you feel your world is falling apart

I will be right here, to wait and hope

And I will gently remove the rope

Which lies and tightens around your neck

Pull you away, and of course I’ll check

The light in your eyes is fading away

Turning black, turning cold, clearly with dismay

Your heart feels far away, gone to disappear

I want you to stay, I want you near

I smile at you, and try to remember

What it was like, no need to go further

Loneliness and sadness passing by

Hand in hand,with tears in the eye

Drowning in words, unnecessary pain

No need to describe, no need to complain

Your eyes are open, lightning once more

Watching, sparkling, just like before

I’ll hold you in my arms, hold you tight

Tell you, that we, together, have won this fight

shadows

my hands tremble with fear,
as my eyes well up with tears.
when it feels as tho it will all tremble,
leaving me with nothing but shambles.

and as i pick up the phone my voice quivers.
i thought id muffle the sounds caused by them shivers,
but i cant help but give out a little shrill,
which left me running for the hills.
only to wind up back there.
nowhere near my lair.

nothing personal...
i just cant sleep,
hence the senseless rhymes.
or perhaps not even...

petrified

eternally grateful

horoscopes.
i know that they re just mere phrases that applies to everyone,
n wat ppl want to hear.

but sumtimes it's nice too.
it's like a lil personal reminder,
and as silly as it is, i enjoy reading it,
cos it gives me hope.

"Dont give up. There is a way through every obstacle you face"

so it's 4am here,
n i cant sleep tho i hav to be up in a couple of hours for my med checkup.
n my mind just cant help but wander off.

in all honesty,
im excited, but at the same time scared about med school.
i guess that s only natural.

im really glad ive made it in,
after all the effort thus far,
to finally be able to achieve what ive always wanted.
but it's not going to be easy.

and if there's one thing ive learnt from the past 3 yrs,
is that real life is nth like what i thought it wud b like,
when i was bak in high school.
it aint all sugar and spice.
n plans never work out the way u plan it to be.
ive been told once too often,
that my way of thinking is a little too naive n idealistic.

med school aint cheap.
it's gona cost a fortune, on top of the first degree.
but to make myself feel better, i wud always say,
id pay my parents back.
but realistically,
it wud take me ages.
n i kno that.
well, maybe i can, maybe i cant

but for one thing,
all i can do nw n definitely will,
is to do my best, to make them proud.
i gues it's good too,
as a constant motivation factor for me to work harder.

altho i may nt be able to return to them the amount of money they have spent on me,
just so i get all the best things in life.
my resolution for this new year, n many years to come,
is to do the same for them, they did for me.
to keep a promise i made to them years ago, regardless,
which is to take care of them like they took care of me.
thru all the gud times n bad.

becos i knw that,
im very lucky.
after learning abt all the lil things that can go wrong in your body.
im very lucky to be perfectly healthy.
n on top of that,
i was born into a very close family,
who cares a great deal,
no matter hw big or small the matter is.
im very lucky in every way possible.

maybe i sound childish,
maybe i sound naive,
maybe all i say sounds more like a cliche,
but this is truly hw i feel,
because i am eternally grateful.

so yes,
that's a promise that i am going to keep.

a new decade, calls for a new beginning

happy new year to all!

i dare say,
it's been a hell of an ending to 2009,

n the begininnings of 2010 hv been no less.

hence the lack of updates for quite awhile.

but since,

my family went over to melb, for my graduation,

for about a week.

took them all around

namely cos my aunt n uncle havent been to melb before.

the dearest bro n sis at st kilda

all of them attended my graduation,
so, thank u all for coming altho u dint hav to.
especially for wakin up so early in the morn.

my inability to just smile normally at the camera

flew back w them,
which meant, bye bye melbourne.
was i sad, not really.
but maybe cos i was with my family.

we then stopped by bangkok for 3 days
wasnt much to do there,
so what else is there to do in asia, besides eat.



we went to the floating market n sum cultural show.
also got a pedicure, where the lady said i had fish like skin..
how embarassing, cos she kept laughin at me.

(i can only imagine the embarassment my sis felt, as she sat right next to me, and there was no way of pretending she doesnt kno me, due to our resemblance in appearance, apparently)



it was then,
home sweet home.


but my parents were hosting a new years eve party at the house,
for the neighborhood
so there were heaps of preps to help out w arnd the house.





the party wasnt bad at all,
with firecrackers,
and we cud see the fireworks from our frontyard
think it was from pyramid.

and just when i was abt to get comfortable,
we had to catch a plane to jakarta,
the morning of the new years.
went right after the party
was exhausted, but was fun, nonetheless.
spent the days in jakarta just shopping n relaxing,
cos there really wasnt much to do arnd there.


was just glad to be back on monday.
n since, ive just been bumming arnd
sleeping in,
making endless phone calls n sending desperate emails to ANU,
for my COE , which ive finally received.
but that just means, more runnin arnd to get my visa done.
n just when i tot it s all over,
i got another mail from ANU with anotha list of things to do.
i dun get y dey cant just send it all at once,
to save us all the trouble of goin to the same place over n over.
oh wells,
hope its gonna be all done soon!

oh, n we went to ne-yo s concert last night,
and all i can say is,
ne-yo is da bomb!!!!!!

i miss you so,
but i can learn to let you go.
because all that im after,
is a life filled with laughter.