there's no place like home n no one else like family

im scared.
im terrified.

ive done this many times before,
for the past 3 yrs,
it hasnt always been this hard.
hasnt always been this painful.

im going bk to melb this fri.
only four days frm now.
n im dreadin it.
i really am.

maybe, it has sth to do with the fact that everytime i return to melb from kl,
nth ever stays the same,
everyth is foreign n diff, studies,
ppl i always used to hang out with,
we tend to drift apart,
things that i usually enjoy,
somehow seems all so different.
n im scared cos i dnt kno wat to expect.

maybe, it's because it's my last semester,
n knowing that this will b my last flight to melb.
maybe i just dont want the nightmares to start,
the days to the truth gets closer,
the days as to when my dreams will either come true,
or be shattered.

or maybe, it's because i've gotten so much closer to my family now,
than i ever did in the past 19 yrs of my life.

in the past 5 days,
ive realised how much my family means to me,
n how much i miss them.
in the past 5 days,
i dint think id miss my parents,
cos they re only goin away for a week,
n we have, previously been apart for months.

but i do.
i miss my parents, n my brother,
i miss late night coffees w my dad,
i miss my bro's dumb jokes.
n i miss cooking w my mum.
the highlights of my days are little sms-s from my parents,
or their calls at night.

i look forward to my sis n bro coming bk.
everyday.
i finally feel like i can be myself around them.
i finally feel like they know me for who i am,
n no one else but me.
it's a really nice feeling.
i realised today, id rather spend d day out with them then with my frens.
n it's not cos i feel obliged to like i usually do.
but cos i simply want to.
in these few days left,
id rather hav lunch with them then watch movies wif my frens.
id rather watch dvds at home then hanging out at mamaks.

recently, someone asked me,
who my best friend was,
n i was stumped.
ive found my answer now,
ive had many best friends,
but each lasted for oni a yr or 2.
but my family,
they are my best friends.
they are my best friends for life.

family are friends you do not get to choose,
and are stuck with for the rest of ur life.
but im glad, that it is the way it is.
cos then i kno,
no matter what,
no matter how many years from now,
ill nvr be alone,
n thru thick or thin,
they ll always be at least at the other end of the phone line.
waiting for me at the airport, everytime i get bak,
always knowing what to do,
what to say or do to cheer me up,
always tryin their best to make me feel better, regardless of how badly i snapped.
accepting me for who i am,
with no hidden agenda, no ulterior motive.
regardless of what bad decisions i make,
regardless of my mood swings,
regardless of how many times ive hurt and disappointed them,
regardless of all the pain ive put them thru.

there truly is no place like home n no one else like family.

the other side of the coin

so, the interviews are soon.

dont know when just yet,
but all i kno is soon.

with more prep,
every single moment in my life,
ive turned it into a situation,
probably overthinking and overanalysing it.

so, there are these 2 lil gals,
my neighbour's grandkids,
whom ive been playin baddy with.
or rather catching, pond fishing etc.
and what ive learnt from them,
is that u cant make everyone happy.

do we be ourselves,
disregarding what everyone else thinks of u,
n end up unhappy n alone. or
do we be whom others want us to be,
and be happy when with the crowd.

but its ironic that,
the most common advice anyone gives,
is to be ourselves.
what if being ourselves dnt work out for us.
what if being ourselves results in unhappiness.
doesnt it contradict itself.
what s the whole point?

u hav to choose,
or rather u hv to manipulate,
n look for diff means.
nth black n white.
no right or wrong answer.

have i becum cynical?
perhaps.
i dont believe in soulmates and true love,
i dont believe in everlasting friendship,
i dont believe that anything is forever.
i only believe in what i can control.

is that wrong?
it probably is.
but only those things make sense.

i gues, there s more than just two sides to the coin.
and this is one of the mistakes,
that i prob wil never learn from.
cos i do not know what ive learned from it.
gues, ill jus hv to keep repeating it,
till it finally makes sense to me.

just a reminder

so here's what it's going to be like.
what's left of my hols i mean.

it mainly consists of,
preparing for my interview in adelaide,
reading prospectuses and doing more research,
writing my personal statement,
contacting lecturers for references,
more university applications,
preparing for yet another admissions test,
and not to forget, ielts.

i hv 3 weeks,
to get as much done nw as i possibly can.

maybe, the letter was a reminder,
was a wake up call,
n maybe i shud b thankful.
i gues, everyth really does happen for a reason.

im not whining,
im not complaining,
im simply reminding myself.
that even if the list of things i hv to do,
in such a short time doubles, or triples,
i can do this.
ill manage it,
n ill do exceptionally well in all.
because i want this,
not for my family, not for my friends,
but for myself, my future, my life.

so im nt going to back down.

i just have to.

it's been tough,
it's been hard.
but ive come thus far,
and im nt abt to give up.
bcos i kno i deserve it,
bcos i kno i can do it,
bcos i kno i js have to.

it's my dream.
it always has been
n it still is.
so im nt goin to give up.

im nt goin to lose out,
due to technicalities,
im nt goin to give up,
becos i kno i am capable.

i am nt backing down till i have exhausted all options,
i am nt backing down till ive reached a dead end.

now, it's js a lil bit bumpier than i wud hav hoped.
the end of the road is still too far away.

ill sit for as many tests as i need to,
ill attend as many interviews as i have to,
ill read up on as much as im expected to.
ill do everyth in my power.

im not giving up,
bcos i kno i can do this,
even when everyone around has given up on me,
i cannot,
i simply cannot give up on myself.
ive still got a lot of fight left in me.
this is a battle,
that i have to win.

it's tough
it's hard,
ppl even say it's impossible,
but i know wat i am capable of,
i know wat i am made of,
and it is not impossible,
ive come through this far,
im nt goin to throw in the towel,
im nt goin to breakdown,
im nt goin to fall apart,
im going to fight this thing as hard as i need to.

it may nt be the ideal way i hoped for,
may not be how i imagined it to be,
but ill get there,
i know, ill get there.
cos i jst have to.

unleashed.

finally,
the day we thought wud nvr arrive, did.
n it was the long awaited friday..

i shall not bore ourselves with more genome talk,
so i shall dive in straight into what happens after.

i realised now,
having too many diff groups of frens,
prob isnt always a gud thing.
esp nt right after exams,
where everyone wans to let off sum steam.
n everyone has diff ideas of hw to.

from a simple cup of frozen yoghurt at mahoni's,
to shopping our way thru wat resembled much like a ghost town,
or more commonly known as harbourtown.
it's always a gud sign that the day will b gud frm then on,
when u find sth u like,
at the first shop u walked into.

as we headed out towards the restaurants on docklands,
to meet the rest at the promised time,
we wandered around as we had expected their poor judge in timing.
n walked pass by a floating cinema,
but ive gotta say, it was prob d popcorn that attracted us by.

they were playing jaws,
but not for anotha close to an hour,
til it started,
we kept ourselves busy,
taking photos,
including those of our feet,
by the water,
n up in the sky.

that was when i realised,
the simplest things,
can give u more joy than u thought.
it's nt always abt how many frens uve got,
or who's got the latest couture.
it's nth like that.

we then made our way to bluefire,
n had our dinner.
wasnt as expected,
but was nice nevertheless.

torn btw croft n a lounge in docklands,
we decided to make our way to croft,
only to realise,
how rowdy it was on a friday night in melb.
so we took a detour n ended up in a lil corner at the tuscan rooftop bar.
it was effortless, n nice, n familiar.
a perfect way to end the nite.

but that was not the end,
on the jam-packed 3 days we've planned,
in an attempt to make up for the past month's worth of fun lost.

saturday came,
which meant it was time for us to head down to dfo!
n more shopping!
abercrombie n fitch for 15!
i stil cant believe it.
it was night time,
which calls for MAHA!
omg,
ive gotta say the desserts were simply divine!!!

ive gotta admit, at this point,
i was jst drained.
(it's prob got sth to do the coffee/redbull/v withdrawal effect)

but i still had to grab sum things i promised for my family,
which i did on the sunday morning.
followed by frantic packing and cleaning,
as my phone kept ringing as he was waiting.
once i was all done,
we played sum wii,
while he transferred sum shows for me !!!!
be it mario kart, or tennis,
i lost miserably..
till the point where he gav up n switched to watchin dvds instead.
at that point, i was js gone,
n nodding along n giggling to wateva anyone was saying.
n all i cud think of is sleep.
until he said, lets hv dinner.

n me being the sorry, pathetic gal hu cant say no,
pulled out every last drop of energy left in me.
n headed down to the mycube
where we had a quick dinner

n then karaoke at kbox.
boy, was that fun.
to js scream ur lungs out,
without having any judging eyes,
throwing nasty looks.

ive gotta say,
that s the perfect way to end,
yet anotha sem,
indicating anotha episode of my life.