i want to,
but i dont know how.

to find the one perfect reality

because,
until it is found,
it hurts like a bitch.

as i look around,
at the ppl walking by,
at the ppl all arnd me,
at my frens by my sides,
i realise,
there s a story behind each n every one,
that wil remain their own,
no matter what.

A story,
with a beginning,
a buildup,
a climax,
and finally an ending.
to each their own narrator,
with a lil bit of comedy,
n a lil bit of action, horror, drama, romance.
involving many different characters.
with many different chapters.

i finally understand forrest gump's.
i finally understand why he could run for three years,
for three years, he ran across the country several times.

he was stumped,
cos altho, his story had nt reached the ending,
he did not know, at that instance,
where it wud go frm there,
n the ending, be it good or bad,
jst seemed impossible.
so he ran,
ran away frm everyth n everyone,
he jst kept running,
so that, without doin anyth else, or puttin his heart out,
he would hv nth to lose, carefree and it wouldnt matter,
cos at that point,
it all seems blank.

we all judge.
but wat we often overlook,
is the story they hav to tell,
behind those labels,
we have put on them.

so, stop n listen,
cos there s so much more behind those eyes,
behind those smiles and chitter chatters,
people will never fail to surprise you.

and as for my story,
lets jst say,
i used to hav dreams, but it's about to be crushed,
i used to hav hopes, but ive learnt that, it's only going to disappoint you time and time again,
i used to hav a best fren, n he wud give me a reason to hope again,
but ive lost that,
i used to hav a confidante, but ive driven him away too.
i used to hav strength, but ive run out of it.

what else do i have?
i dnt kno.
but what i do kno,
is that this is not my ending,
n until then,
im jst gona keep running,
just like forrest gump.
and when ive found my ending.
im gona tell u my one perfect reality,
which begins with,

"life is like a box of chocolates"

irony, karma, paradox, call it as you wish.

i got chills,
so i took the pill,
from the nurse called Jill,
which came along with it a whole load of bills,
I wanted to run to the hills,
but my friend gave me chicken with dill,
with the sole will,
to have my stomach filled,
but I might as well have gills,
as I cant sit still,
I want to go for the kill.

When you get lost in a foreign suburb,
called Malvern,
for close to two hours,
your mind tends to wander,
and the above was what I managed to come up with,
to suppress my frustrations,
as I take another clueless step.

So the past couple of days,
have been,
very intense, but undoubtedly very very interesting.

The Monday arvo.
I was set out to do sth diff at Inclusion Melb.
Instead of taking David out to the art studio or coffee etc,
I have been asked to look out at the art studio.
Due to shortage of volunteers,
they hv come up w a system whereby,
the clients get there, either by themselves, or otha volunteers drop them off n then LEAVE!

So,
there I was,
after walkin around for 2 hrs tryin to look for the studio
(as a result of me being lazy, n wanted to take a shortcut instead)
one by one they started to arrive,
Ian, George, Anna, David.

They re a lovely, funny bunch.
Ian , who was extremely animated,
with his endless questions n compliments,
and claiming that fruits make u sick,
but hot choc with a hint of coffee n tea is the cure for absolutely anything.
George, who was very quiet n obedient,
who sat by the corner,
painting the sky green.
Anna, was such a doll,
was always fun to have her around.
and David, with his endless proposals.

So u can only imagine,
what it was like out there,
It was fun, most definitely.
I couldnt stop laughing,
We painted n sculpted n drew,
but it was very very tiring!!!

exhausted, but all worthwhile.

Then, there was today.
Freck!!
I officially claim myself to be stupid!

So I had a couple of interviews with a couple of professors from WEHI.
and me, cleverly, scheduled for both the interviews to be on the same day,
and to meet at the same place,
with only an hour intervals between the two.

Only later did I realise,
there's a reallllllyyyyy high chance of me bumping into Baell again while I waited for Wicks.
Damn!!
n Clara, threatening to call Baell, buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Anw,
what happened was,
first interview w Baell, whose lab is in Bundoora, but decided to come down to the city cos of the seminar.
Since he dint hv an office nearby, we jst went for a walk while we talked.
a very funny, friendly man.
claims that he can read n walk at the same time,
to prove to girls dat guys can multitask!
owh well.... do i need to say more?!
that interview went really well,
except for the fact that the lab is onli like one hour away!
So Baell has always been my insurance one.

Then later on,
after hiding behind pillars and trucks,
from receptionists who prob recognised me from before,
Met Wicks,
and we had a really long chat,
well, he did the chat, i jst nodded along.
He took me to the lab to meet Ann, who was prob gonna b my supervisor.
Very friendly people,
who sounded jst as keen to hv me, as I was to be working there.

All went well,
as we shook hands at the end of it,
I asked, where do we go frm herE?
and he said,"Apply to UROP."
Freck!!! Then y d hell was I here? and giving me the hope n crap!

I felt so cheated!
I gues this is what happens when you cheat on others,
U'll be cheated back,
only in a diff way.

Life works in mysterious ways.
but do bad,
n ure sure to be given a taste of ur medicine.

I certainly know that now.

Whether you be rebellious and iconoclastic or conservative or ecclesiastic

says tim minchin.

it was abt two weeks ago,
as i once again spent the day in the state library.
on one of my short breaks,
where it all seemed too much to take in,
i stepped out,
to take in a breathe of fresh air,
n sat at the corner i usually do,
as i watch as people walk by.

but on this day,
a couple sat right next to me,
with the man holding a loaf of bread.
as they sat down,
he opened the bag,
n passed a few slices of bread to the lady.
without sayin a word to one another,
they tore the bread into pieces,
n started tossing them around on the grass.

a flock of seagulls gushed towards it,
all at once,
almost as if from nowhere.
as i watched these birds,
ive never realised hw diff they are from each otha,
altho frm afar they all look pretty much d same.

some with smaller necks,
some with red feet, some yellowish,
some bigger than others,
one even with a kind of a limp.

what i also realised was,
that no matter how different they appear to be,
all of them was out for the same thing.
themselves.
it really is, survival of the fittest.

as they all charged towards the first piece of bread that lands on the floor,
they fight it off one another,
and as anotha piece falls to the ground,
they flock over to the otha side,
sum already with food in their beaks.

as for the birds,
they all fight for survival.
regardless who they may hurt,
or how they get it.

and as i looked up,
n saw the ppl walkin by the streets,
it occured to me, that we,
really arent all that diff from those birds.

no matter how different we look,
or no matter how different we claim ourselves to be from other live beings in this world,
maybe we are all in denial.

who are we kidding?
whether one aspires to be a doctor, a lawyer, a musician, or an old bum.
ultimately, there s oni one thing we're looking for.

happiness.
be it, to find love,
or sense of belonging.
no matter how we twist our words around,
no matter how hard we try to deny it,
there s no escaping, cos..
this is the truth.

so maybe it is time,
we look at things as it is,
rather than as we wish it to be,
and mayb then we ll realise that life isnt all that bad,
all it needs is to be given a fresh new outlook.

as newton faulkner sings,

"cause trying to make a difference, makes it worse, the lights are so bright, they blind you, the more we know, the less we care, whilst damaged on the way."